Review: Kaashh… Mere Hote / The President is Coming
THE YEAR OF THE DOG?
If the first Hindi release of 2009 had a mouth, it’d go “woof.” Plus, a fitfully amusing mockumentary.
JAN 11, 2009 – IN A COUNTRY THAT SWEARS BY AUSPICIOUS BEGINNINGS, is it fair for Bollywood to dump on us, so early in January, Kaashh… Mere Hote? If the first Hindi film of the year is one that features Johny Lever as a madman cop in rouge and lipstick and pendant earrings – he thinks he’s (gulp!) Aishwarya Rai – what does it augur for the rest of 2009? But that’s the least of the unwelcome surprises thrown up by BH Tharun Kumar’s eye-bogglingly dreadful love triangle. Who knew, for instance, that we hadn’t seen the last of Hemant Birje (a.k.a. the muscle man from Tarzan that teenage boys in the mid-eighties envied and execrated with every ounce of their adolescent breath, considering the actor’s prurient proximity to his button-popping co-star)?
And, for that matter, did anyone guess that Sneha Ullal (a.k.a. the girl whose hand Aishwarya Rai let go, twentysomething years ago, at a Kumbh Mela) would return to haunt the silver screen? And that she’d actually make an impression as something of an actress when compared to her blank-slate hero? (Newcomer Kumar Saahil offers, by way of performance, a couple of nifty options; he wiggles his eyebrows and he cracks a smile, though he appears charmingly unaware that these actions aren’t necessarily independent of each other.) And that we’d be treated, in this day and age, to one of those romantic interludes where the heroine squeals, “I hate you, I hate you,” when she really, really luurrves her man?
Kaashh… Mere Hote is intended as one of the many illegitimate offspring of Fatal Attraction, with a damaged-goods vixen training her psycho-kinetic eyes on the hapless hero. (Sana Khan plays this vamp, capable of communicating with dogs and queen bees; oh, she can also make birthday cakes explode by simply looking hard in their direction. Strangely though, these freaky powers don’t help her at all when she needs them in the climax, which actually has the gall to proffer a message about the perils of teen love.) But what the film really wants to be is a profound meditation on the many levels of human stupidity.
We’re used to films that treat the audiences like morons, but Kaashh… Mere Hote may be something of a first – the characters, themselves, treat one another like morons. The heroine asks, at one point, “Kya?” Then, cleverly intuiting that the hero needs more prompting, she adds, “Kya hua?” Finally, just to make sure the essence of her communication doesn’t get lost in translation, she tosses in an option in another language, “What happened?” But this is nothing compared to Rajesh Khanna’s fourfold declaration of his vision impairment. “I’m blind. I can’t see. Main nahin dekh sakta. Main andha hoon,” he yells, as if offering multiple choices to a contestant on a game show. In that vein, we too shall declare: This film is no good. It’s bad. It sucks. Total bakwaas hai, boss.
INDIA’S FIRST MOCKUMENTARY, TITLED THE PRESIDENT IS COMING, is a sweeping satire on, among other things, the current American president, but a big laugh-out-loud moment, early on, makes us wonder if it’s a former incumbent who is the subject of Kunaal Roy Kapur’s film, and if the title actually carries a sexual connotation – not that the president is about to arrive so much as he’s about to… uh, come. At a briefing sequence in the White House, a press secretary announces to the media, “The President wants a young Indian.” Instantly, a reporter leans forward and asks, “How young?” And the secretary hastily clarifies, “No, it’s not like that.”
Well, it’s like this. President Bush visits India and wants to meet a young Indian achiever. (Evidently, this desire to shake hands with a shining representative of the Third World was long before shoes were being pelted on his person.) The American consulate in India, therefore, hires Samantha (Shernaz Patel, playing an endearingly goofy cross between a dominatrix and a Catholic schoolmarm) to pick the lucky desi whose hand will end up in a Presidential clasp. When asked how she will go about this process, she replies, “The American way.” And when asked if this means the process would involve democratic voting, she shakes her head and reveals, “Reality TV.” The contestants are subjected to a series of tests, Survivor-style, to arrive at the eventual winner.
The stage is thus set for a loopy free-for-all – about the obsequiousness of Indians regarding all things (and people) white, about Bushisms (like the famously derided remark about imports coming from overseas), about air-headed North Indians and the equally stereotyped number-crunching South Indians. Some of the gags revolving around the contestants (Konkona Sen Sharma, Satchit Puranik, Vivek Gomber, Anand Tiwari, Namit Das, and a delightful Ira Dubey) work, some of them don’t – and perhaps there needed to be more of the free-associative lunacy we associate with, say, the mockumentaries of Christopher Guest (like the delectably deadpan bit involving Dharmendra) – but the zany geniality carries the film to a sparkling finish. Like the best satires, The President is Coming proves that there’s nothing quite as funny as the truth – if only we’d stop squirming about it.
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The whole review was HOWLARIOUS but this part :
“Rajesh Khanna’s fourfold declaration of his vision impairment. “I’m blind. I can’t see. Main nahin dekh sakta. Main andha hoon,” he yells, as if offering multiple choices to a contestant on a game show. In that vein, we too shall declare: This film is no good. It’s bad. It sucks. Total bakwaas hai, boss.” killed me!!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!!
phew… this film really must have got to your nerves..even with the worst movies you usual are either kinder or keep things shorter.. but this was one enjoyable piece of wholehearted rant..
Baradwaj,
I’ve always enjoyed reading your reviews…However, how do you ever condition your mind to watch movies like ‘Kaashh…’? (seriously!). This one was such a funny read, but for you as a writer, dont you get doubts (”why am i even watching this/writing a review”) in your mind sometimes?..Just curious
Re: Kaashh…
I think bad movies in bollywood should continue to be made… if only to inspire reviewers like you to write masterpieces like this! Hilarious!
yossarian03: Well… every profession involves the odd bad day, right? You just steel yourself and try to make the best of it, though I’d love it if the job profile changed so that I could pick/choose the Hindi/Tamil/English release of the week *I* wanted to review
BR: why are you surprised? It’s been a long standing tradition in “bollywood” that any film released in the frst week of a year will be no good, bad,bakwaas, and vahiyaat
. There seems to be some sort of superstition about not releasing a new film in the first weekof a year, so what remain are films, which otherwise won’t get released at all. Remember Game in 2007?
I really pity you for having to sit through a movie like that, just for a review!!!!
The link to the Star Ratings page.
Also, in case anyone was living under a rock as I was, UTV World movies is telecasting the Golden Globes live, so we’ll get to see ARR on the red carpet (and later on the stage), hopefully?
Till then, some older writings on ARR here and here.
Entertaining review sir[:)]
Did you happen to watch ‘wafaa’ by any chance?
Hari: Nope, thankfully not, though I’ve seen some clips that’ve scarred my eyes forever
While you may not have a choice on the films that you need to review I thought you might at least have a choice on how much to write for each movie. A long review for Kaash, which you did’nt like followed by a rather short one for the President is coming which interested you. Could it have been reversed?
I have noticed this even previously.
vijay may have a point there.. i especially remember jodha akbar and mithya , though one can argue JA was the bigger release..
btw listened to masakkali from dilli 6? sounded very fresh and interesting..
also sir, wanna know how much of the rahman ‘urban legend’ worked for you last year.. you did some pieces on rahman albums last year, and where there any songs that dint quite catch you on early listening but bowled you over later.?
vijay, i think it is not about just quality of movie vs length of write-up.
I think the dud one offered BR a chance to flex his writing muscles and come up with some creative gems. While the second one possibly was attractive but didnt offer a chance to flex the writing muscles – in that, it didnt cross that realm of extremeness – either on the good side or the bad side. We have seen this previously with Suneel Darshan movies. Suneel Darshan is an iconic figure whom i wouldnt have even known but for BR!
very funny review of “kaash
…. see, the film served a purpose after all1
Vijay: With ‘President,’ it was also that the film’s mockumentary format didn’t allow much exploration of plot or character and so on. So I pretty much said all I wanted to in this length.
nirmal: masakkali sounds lovely. I have high expectations from Dilli-6 because the last time ARR and Rakeysh Mehra together, they came up with Rang De, which IMO is one of Rahman’s best all-round albums. Each and every song worked big time, both as standalone audio and with the film.
Sympathies, sympathies and more sympathies for you, Baradwaj. I suppose this is what is called as Professional Hazards … A ray of hope: this weekend should be exciting. Hopefully there is some dhamaaka from Akshay (CC2C).
brangan, Rahman just won a golden. Any comments on that ? !!!
Raj I understand that sometimes really bad movies can also be fun to review. My question was more about the brevity of President’s review than about the length of Kaash’s, considering that this was India’s successful “first mocukumentary” and all that. But I get BR’s point about the film’s structure not allowing enough scope for character and plot development.
RDB is of course one of my favourite album too.. so young and hip, yet so classy.
but the best thing was how mehra used those songs to take his narrative to another level. i particularly loved the way paused and started luka chupi. the song stops after i think the second interlude, there is a brief gap, and when the mother goes to open the door to recieve her sons military trunk,, rahman sores into “kaise tujhko dikhao yahaan hai kya…” . it was one of the best moments of the film for me.
but.. er.. what about my other query
nirmal: I try to listen to any album (not just ARR) at least five-six times before deciding, so this ‘reevaluation of a track I didn’t like at first’ business doesn’t happen much. I’d say I softened a bit about ‘Kaise mujhe’ after I saw how it was used in the film, but as a song, it still doesn’t excite me much, and ‘Behka’, for me, is still the album’s one true flash of greatness.
Brangan,
Just saw The President is Coming and absolutely loved it. Mocumentary or not, this is one of the funniest things in Indian cinema I have seen in a long while.
Somehow it brought to mind Borat…mainly because of the style and lunacy.
Isn’t it ironic and sad to see Rajesh Khanna in movies like ‘Kaash..’!! The ultimate heart-throb of my mother’s generation, and one fine actor has reduced to hamming his way into movies like this… ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ !!!
How’s the Rahman piece for the paper coming up ?
I am surprised you reviewed Kaash…! Was it because of ur professional contract or for the sadistic after-pleasure?
In either case, don’t you have the authority to suggest which films to be skipped from being reviewed? I think it’s below the dignity of ur newspaper as well as your blog to even talk about such ‘cinema’.
And more for my curiosity, would you review stuff like ‘Tauba Tauba’ or Rajesh Khanna’s recent lust-fest (forgot the name, Vinod Pandey directed film)?
(Oops…i think i sound angry there…but it’s more of hurt.)
Bala: Over and done with. I had to submit it the very next day after the win.
Varun: ” don’t you have the authority to suggest which films to be skipped” – I wish
But why do you feel it’s “below the dignity” of the newspaper? If you’re going to talk about politics, you’ll have to cover the good, the bad and the ugly right? It’s the same with films and everything else.
Pure fabricated and manipulated review. Neither the film is so low standard nor the performances of the new pair. Moreover, Kaka is great in Special Appearance as Rtd. Colonal who happens to be blind later on. Simply class of its own.
Super Star Rajesh Khanna – The Cary Grant of India
Super Star Rajesh Khanna irrevocably impacted Indian cinema and culture like no actor before him. His acting perfection and application of talent were drawn solely from his inward vision. Super Star Rajesh Khanna did not cultivate the phenomenal attributes that created his “superstardom” by reason or will, but through the connectedness to his own persona that the masses then idealized. For he is one who is impervious as to who is ahead and who is behind. Super Star Rajesh Khanna’s inward vision, a special gift from the divine leads him always. Today he is the indomitable and highly respected veteran of one hindred and fifty films. For me, he is like the Cary Grant of India. Both actors are Capricorns that have played the widest variety of roles without ever bankrupting the fascination of the audience. Super Star Rajesh Khanna is the platinum standard for landmark performances and sheer screen presence. Ever since the camera discovered his photogenia it has been having a love affair with it. His Byronic inspirations of romance as autographed elegantly on screen endure. Super Star Rajesh Khanna is a Greatest Legend because he kindles our affections at the highest denominators and that is a life nobly lived means.
And when will we be able to read that Rahman piece?
Arif Attar: This weekend.. when it gets published in print.
V Manohar, that comment was magnificent! I anoint you the Cary Grant of Internet Trolls.
Part of what makes mockumentaries so funny is the absolute deadpan humor, where it doesn’t seem like the people in the “documentary” have no idea they are being funny. Indians generally don’t do this kind of dry humor. I’m curious to see how they pull this off.
Are you going to review the Dev.D soundtrack?
@ brangan
Point taken about authority. But since you have given the analogy of politics and newspaper, let me push my case a bit more.
A national level newspaper won’t talk about ‘Loksatta Party’ (have you heard about it, btw) being launched by a group of some 1000-odd ‘activists’ in Mumbai and then go on discussing their manifesto and how good or bad that is.
I just feel that your piece, even in its criticism, is validating such films, and as I said, you also must be having your cut-offs.
And just found Kaka staring at me outside Andheri station today, reminding me the name of the film i was missing – ‘Wafaa’, it is.
Phew.
Ravi K: Not sure about a review…